MsKitka.com

Just when you thought the US was going to change the definition of adulthood from 18 years old to 21 in order to protect American youth from such evils as strip dancing and drinking alcohol, news of a silent revolution is at hand…

Amazon.com, America’s favorite online bookstore, is now selling sex toys… and lots of them.  The San Francisco Chronicle reported last Friday that Amazon is selling “a staggering 37,000 items, with the Sexual Enhancers (that’s the toys, baby) subsection alone offering up a whopping 4,863 items”.  However, after having a look at the site today I have found that since the article was published over 41,000 items are now under the Sex and Sensuality section (including over 5400 ‘Sexual Enhancers’). 

Why the sudden demand?  Well, the first lady watches Desperate Housewives while her husband is lying sound asleep in bed dreaming of bombing North Korea.  With a “party guy” like that for a husband, do you really think she doesn’t need her own excitement (especially after a witty, sexy soap opera like Desperate Housewives)?  Laura Bush’s jokes about her husband’s sleeping habits are a metaphor for the sexual plight of American housewives in general.

The truth is, even the most devout religious follower needs to exercise his/her passions (which is why I sincerely believe religious leaders should be married… Note to self: check if priests and pastors are included on online sex offender lists).  While the image of American sex is becoming something more reminiscent of the Middle East, the repressed population is finding other ways to satisfy their carnal urges (whether they be through non-consensual sex offences or private masturbatory interludes).  While people are being urged to remain celibate and adopt Christian purity rings, there is a need to overcome their sexual appetites in other ways.  I mean, given a choice between attending church and masturbating, I’d choose masturbation every time.

For example, think of American life as the film There’s Something About Mary.  In order to relax himself and stop worrying about getting into Mary’s pants on their date, Ben Stiller’s character Ted is advised to masturbate beforehand.  Embarrassing outcums aside, the theory is the same.  Just like retired hockey players take up golf, a population of people restricted from sex are forced to find other ways to quietly please themselves… and unlike Ned Flanders next door, they won’t always choose to attend church like the good Theistic order of the American empire wants them to.

So, it’s no wonder why Amazon is building such a large online store for sex products.  Remember: “For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction” –Newton’s Third Law of Motion